I am not a victim.

Previously, yes. I was a victim of abuse, rejection, and ridicule…years, even decades.

Over time, with experiences that God allowed, and lessons I learned through studying His word, I know it wasn’t about me.

Do you consider Abel in the Bible a victim? No. He was just an innocent bystander of Cain’s anger against God (Genesis 4:1-12).

Everyone remembers Joseph’s story.

Pit bound…

Slave…

Unjustifiably accused …

Forgotten…

Here, Joseph wasn’t a victim. God allowed those things to happen for a purpose, an eternal purpose. Was it fair? No. Did Joseph feel betrayed and rejected by God? Read the story for the first time or again and decide for yourself. (Genesis 37:12-36, 39:1-23)

While you are going through abuse, suffering, or even ridicule, it can be devastating. Most likely, you feel as if you did something wrong. You feel alienated. You may feel,

Rejected or forgotten by God…

Betrayed by your husband, sister, friend, neighbor…

Ashamed, unworthy, depressed, useless…

You may feel like a scapegoat, first with questions, then believing what Satan is whispering to you.

What did I do to cause this to happen?

Why does he hate me?

Why is she gossiping about me?

Satan replays those questions and others in your mind until you feel hopeless, alone, and unloved.

The word victim wraps itself around a person like an enormous spiderweb. One that you did not see. You don’t want it on you. You fight to get it off. But still, it encompasses you. Victim makes a person look at themselves differently in a mirror. Victim makes a person think negatively about their capabilities. Victim makes the person’s relationship with God constrained and not trustworthy.

As a child, teenager, and adult I had been sexually abused. I felt for years that it was something I did to cause this. My mother confirmed those feelings by not believing me as a child, and then reminding me invariably that I would never succeed or accomplish anything. “White trash” is a term she treasured.

I have learned from Bible studies, from my studies in psychology, and from working with those in human trafficking, that it is not about anything that I did wrong, it was about the evil that was done against me, as it was with Joseph, “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive” (Genesis 50:20/NKJV). Did I save people’s lives? No. Did I encourage rescued women and women working in the brothels that I understood some of what they had been through? To let them know there was hope and healing to be found? Yes.

I have not meant to make light of the horrific tragedies in our world – 911, genocide, Katrina, COVID-19, Afghanistan, Haiti, and so many more. Pure Evil.

I am speaking more personally to you.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? When you think about your abilities, skills, gifts, are they without borders or limited to a small broken box?

“Until we care more about what God thinks than what other people think we are never truly free.” Christine Caine

Focus on what God thinks about you and reminds you of…

Nothing can separate you from the love of God. – Romans 8:38

You are accepted not rejected. – Isaiah 43:1

You are never truly alone. – Joshua 1:9

You never have to be afraid. – 2 Timothy 1:7

You are special to God. – Psalm 139:14

I am a visual person. I have reminder verses, quotes, and writings all over my house. When doubts surface or Satan whispers, I remind myself to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:11), and:

1. Focus on Jesus
2. Be inspired by God’s Word
3. Walk in Faith
4. Run with Endurance
5. Pray – Wait – Trust

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13/NKJV).

Be encouraged. Be grateful. You are living proof that you are stronger than you believe. Now, go do something amazing…for the glory of God!

“Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trust in Him! (Psalm 34:8).

I believe that special needs children have a special connection with God. While I was in Asia I had several foster children. All boys except one precious angel. She was physically and cognitively delayed and couldn’t speak. She had a smile though that would illuminate a room.

Every night I would tuck her in bed and sing to her, “Jesus Loves Me.” Every night, her gaze would go past my face and look straight up. The joy in her smile was enlightening.

One of my foster boys had been abandoned. God allowed me the privilege and blessing of adopting him and calling him my own. Josh is also a special needs child. He is non-verbal, low-functioning, autistic, with high sensory issues. All those identifications are important.

This week Josh had eye surgery. His pupils would move all over the place, like a hummingbird around a feeder…just not that quickly. The second specialist who had seen him twice informed me that the condition was getting worse. I was not apprehensive about the surgery – they had completed the surgery hundreds of times. I was nervous about the recovery. A child cognitively two to four years old does not understand pain. The recovery was supposed to be difficult, at least the first week.

The first day was extremely difficult. Trying to keep my son’s hands out of his eyes, severe pain, even after pain medication. And, as has happened many times before, there was no phone signal to call a doctor for advice. All I could do was pray and try to comfort him. I had people around the globe praying for him even before the surgery.

Josh finally fell asleep and slept like a baby snuggling to his mother. Perfect peace all night. In the morning, another miracle…there seemed to be no pain. Each day amazing improvement. Answered prayer.

The doctor on the follow-up visit today was happy and I believe a little surprised. I was not surprised. I have seen God do many more miraculous things than just a touch of His hand on a child’s eyes.

The amazing thing for me? Taking my son walking on day two and day three and day four. Watching him look at the world in a whole new light. Even though tired and a little weak, he wanted to keep walking and keep looking. He would smile, laugh, or stop me and hug me and give me a kiss! Simply joy for him and gratefulness to God from me.

Some days, many days these days, we don’t need a new set of eyes, or need to have our eyes surgically straightened. We need to straighten our focus. We are looking at a world so torn right now, when right in front of us, every day, are simple things full of beauty. We need to look at people and our world through the eyes of Jesus, with love, patience, and understanding. We need to look at all things created, and focus on the Creator.

Thank you, God, for your protective care and healing of Josh’s eyes. Thank you, Josh, for helping me focus more on Jesus this week. Find out for yourself that the LORD is good.

When things keep going wrong repeatedly it is easy to lose heart and become weary. I am not perfect but have always held on to two verses from the psalm that I consider my life psalm.

“I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD” Psalm 27:13-14/NKJV

The last couple of months have been insane. First, I was having difficulty setting up the blog and, well, that is a story for another time. Secondly, my son was having severe stomach pain. We ran back and forth to the doctors and other specialists to find that the pain could be his GI system, or the unexpected news that J has kidney disease and that his one working kidney is only functioning at 35%. Next? We both came down with COVID. Mine was a light case, except it really zapped my energy…still. J had a more severe case. After so many other things that have happened since we returned to the U.S. in October of 2018, it would have been very easy to hibernate…shut down…give up…and worst of all, believe that God did not care about us.

I read a quote from Joni Eareckson Tada. A mentor had said to her right after her accident that left her a quadriplegic, “God permits what He hates, to accomplish what He loves.” That sounds like a harsh statement, but after I thought about all the tragic things that have happened in my life, I have been blessed to see those painful circumstances make me the person I am today. I have been able to help others through their trauma because of my experiences. In the process, God has been glorified because He has either rescued me or changed my character through the circumstance.

I became determined to find the good things in every day. Some days we have to look a little deeper!

Some blessings come from an unexpected place. Someone that you don’t even know says something or does something. Those are the best, because you know the stranger was sent by God! Example: The other week I took J to Target. It takes a little creative planning to keep his hands on the cart and get across the parking lot. I am always keeping an eye on him, the cart, where the car is, and checking out my surroundings for safety and to make sure moving cars are stopping for us. It’s sad that these days we have to know our surroundings for safety. Because of J’s disability and I am alone, we would be considered an easy prey.

So on this day as I finally got J to the car, helped in the back seat, and got his seat belt on before putting the groceries in the car, a couple walked by us.

The man said, “You are doing a great job maam!”

“Thank you. He is a blessing to me! I replied.

My eyes welled up with tears. God knew I was weary and needed that little nudge.

Other times, a neighbor has helped me with something, or I have been outside in the swing being refreshed and enjoying the beauty that surrounded me.

I encourage you. Buy a little notebook at the dollar store. At the end of the day take a few moments to think about the day. I know you will find something beautiful. You must keep your eyes and ears open though! You also must write it down because when you are having a bad day you can look back on the previous days.

Why am I writing a blog again after so many years? Previously I wrote a blog when I worked with rescued girls in Asia, and when I worked in the red-light district. It was important that people try to understand the trauma and hopelessness these women and children experienced.

I have been back in the U.S. now for almost three years. Wow! Time has flown by quickly! I desperately miss the ministry in Asia. I still have foster children there. There are two that I raised since they were small boys. I acknowledge them as my sons even if I did not give birth to them. They are young men now. One is involved in music ministry, the other is working at a Christian hospital. Both are doing well and I am grateful to God for His hand on their lives. My precious foster girl, my only girl, died in her home in December 2017 when her family took her back. Even though on earth she was disabled and could not speak, I know with all my heart that she is dancing in heaven! I look forward to seeing her again! I miss my many friends there that I made living in Asia for sixteen years.

You might think that I am doing this wonderful new ministry in the U.S. now and I want to share about it. Well, I am not…but I am…a little. Confused? Me too!

I expected (pridefully) that when I returned to the U.S. I would be working with rescued girls, or ministries working with the homeless or even teach or train others again. God has kept closing the doors. “We can make plans, but the LORD determines our steps” (Proverbs 16:9/NLT).

My current ministry, until God moves me, is learning to know Him more, and taking care of my adopted autistic son. We knew that my son had some health issues. He was abandoned between the age of 5-7. He was recently diagnosed with kidney disease and we are trying to work through all of the specifics. We know that J is not a candidate for dialysis or a kidney transplant. We don’t know what God has in store for him in the days ahead. We wait and watch. We are praying God gives the doctors wisdom so that we can give my son the best possible life however long that will be.

I must be honest. It has been a tough three years back in the U.S. It took me at least two years to reacclimate to the U.S. again. I feel lost not involved in ministry and not knowing what God’s plan is for us. Have you ever felt that you didn’t know what direction God was taking you in? I trust Him fully because He has been faithful since I was a child and committed my life to Him…even through loss, through disappointments, through broken dreams, through abuse. Jesus has never left my side.

For several years, senior friends, some now in heaven, continually tried to nudge me to write a book about my experiences in Asia and God’s faithfulness in my life. The truth is, my friends only had a glimpse of what God had done in my life and how He rescued me more than once.

I kept putting off my friends thinking no one would really care about my life story…but that is the point. The story, these stories, are not about me…they are about a loving, faithful, amazing, and holy God. A God who grasped a young lady out of the miry pit, placed there by others and her own bad choices. God set her on a rock and gave her a firm place to stand. God put a new song in her heart, and she gave praise to Him. Many will read, and see, and fear the LORD, and put their trust in Him (emphasis added), (Psalm 40:2-3).

God has kept reminding me through His word and other avenues, that I need to write this story now. This is not because my life was great, but because God was great. In these days with COVID-19, division between one another, uncertainty, loss of life, loss of jobs, HUGE losses…people need encouragement and hope. Are you looking for hope and contentment? That hope for me, and it can be for you, comes from God.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you” (Isaiah 26:3/NIV).

I have already began writing the book, Waves of Gratitude: Seeing God’s light through the darkest storms.

I know times are tough for you right now. Some of you are seriously ill. I can understand some. I have had chronic pain and an autoimmune disease for almost thirty years. I was recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. A daily, extreme pain that I am still learning to deal with. Some of you have lost loved ones, and because of quarantine, were not there with them. I have lost someone close to me every year since 2016 and was only able to be with one before he died. There are so many other losses…People are financially burdened, suffering depression, loneliness, fear…it seems that it is a never-ending, daily battle to have hope and to have joy.

There is an opportunity to have peace, contentment, and joy amid the suffering.

Be still…open your ears and open your eyes. Do you hear it? Do you see it?

I have made a vow with God, throughout my pain, my son’s illness, financial difficulties, and uncertainty of what tomorrow holds, that I will listen, and watch, and write. I know that God’s goodness and love comes every day.

Join me on this journey. I promise my postings won’t be as elaborate as this one! Okay, some of you know me better than that!

Pray for the writing and publishing of:

Waves of Gratitude: Seeing God’s light through the darkest storms

Waves of Gratitude Pray Journal

Marcello the Mole Learns to be Grateful (children’s book).